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Numb

For some strange reason lately I have been feeling that I no longer will that warm gushy feeling of being in love again. I noticed that right about now I have a very low tolerance for men right now...I am not saying that I'm going to the other side..never that!!! I just feel that I'm on chill right now when it comes to love. I don't know whether I am expecting that feeling when I first fell in love with someone or what but it's not happening. Maybe I am still hung up on the fact that I am doing something wrong. I guess I want that organic flush of feelings and it never seems to happen.

I tend to be attracted to guys and like them for a day and then I'm like nigga stop calling me!! I don't know why I am like that. Another thing is I second guess myself when it comes to guys. This one guy was really handsome and he had a nice body...he was so hot like The Rock hot!! He was telling me how attracted he was to me and how he couldnt' wait to see me. When we went on date I didn't feel like I was his type even after he complimented me and everything. Which I hated that I felt that way because that never really happen to me before. I always have confidence in myself..I could have hair rollers in my hair and a t-shirt and I will feel confident. So I don't know why I felt that way that time.

I am a romantic at heart but lately I feel cold to touch when comes to love. Not that I'm thru with I think I'm just going thru a phase of keeping niggas arm length at all times. Letting people get to know me and then they don't like who I really am is  a fear for me. I can't take another heart wrenching anti-love story. I don't need that in my life. When I was younger I associated sex with love and I thought that when a man is touching you, caressing you, and kissing you that he loved you. That's not the case so now I'm in limbo with a numb heart. One of the guys that I was seeing told me that he missed the old Biffy! He said I was less angry which I had to sit back and look at myself. Was I really angry ? or Am I angry right now?

So I am currently sitting down and writing things that I need to change or I need to love about myself! It's hard to do that because you realize all the negative things you do to others. It's like I'm painting a self portrait with all my ugly qualities and that painting is hard to look at! Cause you want to see yourself as a beautiful person! You know when you are not right!


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